Moving My Blog

Sorry guys,

Ive decided to move my blog to:
http://divorcingmrwrong.wordpress.com/


I'm still blogging, so follow me there if you're interested!

Ciao and good luck

If he cheats – is it over? Paving the path to disaster

After the initial toss of angry words and accusations; on my part, I did everything I could to try to work it out. I sat with him, I talked to him, I even suggested we go to counseling, I proposed the things I thought could help us go through it, and move on. I read everything I could about infidelity and I even made my husband read some of it as well. The best article I found on the net was: How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust after an Affair. For a while it was my new bible. I suggest for anyone who has gone through marital infidelity to read it - especially those of you who have done the cheating.

The steps were easy enough but no matter what I tried or how much I tried, the fact that I had caught my husband in his lie was too much for him to bear…and he unlike me was doing everything possible to pave the road to disaster instead of working on rebuilding our trust and love in each other. He was doing everything opposite and against the rules. 

Here are the steps (but make sure to read the whole article, it’s worth it):

• Stop lying
• Be around
• Do not get defensive or assign blame
• Treat your spouse as if they were the center of your world
• Cut any and all possible ties with the other man/woman
• Your life must be an open book
• Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know
• Do not attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouse’s recovery should take
• Choose your battles wisely
• Be prepared to get rid of items that may serve to remind your spouse of the affair
• Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems
• Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your spouse

So what did my husband do? He kept on LYING! He confided and continued sharing his most intimate feelings and emotions with his mistress instead of me, he made her his new soul mate, he even told her my secrets. Hell he told her how much money I had in my bank account.

Worse than that, he did what no adulterous two-timing cheater should ever do. He pointed a blaming finger in my direction. Actually, he blamed everyone but himself (or her), for the whole thing. He even blamed my family who by the way live oversees. It was my fault that he was unhappy, it was me who caused him to run to the arms of another. He was practically saying that I had put a gun to his head and forced him to cheat.

He kept seeing her behind my back; he became more and more secretive putting codes and passwords on his phone and computer, and refused to go to relationship therapy. He demanded that I calm down and get over it claiming it was a thing of the past. And to top it all off not only did he NOT get rid of those things that made me think of her but he even bought her car from her (maybe because he was attached to the memories he had there with her, or maybe just because he couldn’t grasp how unbearably painful it was for me to see it everyday and be reminded of the affair). 

Slowly but surely my husband went into withdrawal, closing the door on his relationship with me and paving the road to disaster. So the article may have not helped him in a way, but it helped me. It put things into perspective, and helped me understand what should and should not happen. It showed me that he was not trying to work on this relationship like he should be. Still I believe that this article, which comes with tips and warnings, is useful for anyone who truly wants to work on their marriage. Good luck!

Getting Caught!

Why do men always think that they will get away with cheating?

Do they think we're stupid? or just blind?

Or do they just expect the flowers and gifts to cover it all up?

When it hit me that my husband was having an affair my body started shivering all over. I screamed, I yelled, I fell to the ground, I cried. I was in pain; I was angry, upset, disgusted, and devastated. I had never had so many emotions all in once. It was unbearable. 

A few hours passed by before my husband came back home….and there it was the moment of truth. But as I sat there, ready to approach him, I amazed myself. Because the only thing I wanted was not to yell at him, or hit him, or even bite his head off. I just wanted to hold him and for him to hold me. I wanted him to tell me how much he loved me and no one else, to tell me that it was just a stupid mistake. After all everyone makes mistakes. I wanted for us to work it out. So much so, that against my better judgment and my usually  unforgiving nature, I was willing to forgive, to let bygones be bygones, to find a way to repair and move on. This was the love of my life…and I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. I wasn’t ready to let him go. 

Unfortunately it wasn’t about what I wanted, and life wasn’t just going to hand anything to me on a silver platter. My husband’s first reaction to this "insane" accusation of mine was denial. Still I wasn't willing to back down. I gave him a second chance to redeem himself and tell the truth; but once again he shook his head and contested to my "absurd" allegations. After the third time, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a liar and that I knew it. I had found out everything there was to know, I had the proof in my hands and there was no sweeping it under the rug. 

He was stunned, flabbergasted. In retrospect I guess he just couldn’t think of any excuses on the spot. And so he gave in and confessed. But not even two minutes passed by and his mood suddenly changed into that of anger. How dare I have snooped in his personal stuff? How dare I betray his trust like that? I was the crazy, jealous wife, who was going through his things, spying on him. And this was something he could not forgive me for. He needed to show me that I was in the wrong and put me back in my place. This was of-course what I would later realize to be the beginning of the end.

But at that moment in time,under all the anger and disappointment I knew that what he was really feeling was shock and dread. He had underestimated me, misjudged my intelligence, and now had to deal with the grief, torture and aggravation of having been caught.

Is he cheating on you? Trust your intuition!

When I first found out my husband cheated on me, I was outraged, I was fuming. I had not seen this coming – not in a million years. My husband? The one who said he would always talk to me if anything was wrong? The one who had been cheated on in his previous relationship, and told me how it crushed him? It couldn’t be true. I couldn’t believe it. But there it was staring me straight in the face, proof beyond any reasonable doubt. My husband was having an affair!

I was alone at home when I found out, snooping on his computer, after months of trying to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. I was just being paranoid, just being stupidly jealous for no reason. The girl I suspected him of having an affair with was just an employee, just a NEW employee which was SMSing my husband 10 times a day, morning and night. It was normal, right??? She had questions about the new job. She needed him to guide her. To mentor her. But who was I kidding? It wasn’t normal. In the 10 years I’ve known him he never SMS’d so much, not even with his best friend. 

I’ve always been 100% trusting, never snooped; I never even opened his mail, or answered his phone. I respected his privacy. But now I could tell that something was not quite right. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. But I had this crazy hunch, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I could no longer ignore. Call it an instinct, intuition, or a woman’s sixth sense. What ever it was I couldn’t push it away any longer, I just had to find out.

So one Sunday afternoon, when he was out, I decided to stop tormenting myself with the thoughts and the suspicion. I decided it was time to act. I knew what I was doing was morally wrong. I was about to spy on my husband, invade his privacy. But I had no choice. I just had to do this, to quiet my nerves. So I logged on his computer and searched.

To my surprise, I didn’t even need to look too far, or too long. There it was in his e-mail folder, a file with her name. Adrenaline rushing through  my body,  I clicked on the folder only to unravel 100’s of e-mails he had received from her in the past month. Some with pictures, some just dirty text, some love poems, and some saved chats. I was sick with disgust.  The evidence was unbelievable. It confirmed the thing I was dreading the most. My husband was cheating on me! 

So what’s my moral for today? If you’re feeling suspicious….you probably have been given a reason to feel that way. In general your gut has a way of being incredibly accurate. Your body is warning you, trying to keep you safe. So ladies and men if in doubt don’t turn a blind eye – trust your intuition!

Statistically Doomed

Thinking about it now, I never really had a chance. On average,statistics show that approximately  40% of marriages end up in a divorce. And even worse 50-60% of newly weds divorce within the first five years of their marriage. That's more than one out of three marriages doomed to fail. I am one of those statistics!

What's worse is finding out that the likelihood of failure increases with certain factors such as having:

Divorced parents - Yes he does
Mixed religions - Yes we did
Lower education - Yes he does
No children -None that I'm aware of
Infidelity - Yes he did  - and that's the one that just pushed the total off the edge and raised our likelihood of failure to 100%.

So had I just done my math a bit earlier I would have already foreseen the results, turned around and fled while I still had some sense in me.  But no one ever thinks  "this is going to happen to me!". We stand at the alter and say "till death do us part" - not "till divorce do us part"!


So how do we know when we've found Mr. right? Or if were heading for disaster with Mr. wrong? Is there some formula to getting it right? I don't know about you but the least I can say is that I've learned a lot from this relationship. I learned  exactly what I DO and even more so what I do NOT want in my man. And I've made a list, so hopefully next time around I might just get it right. He should be educated, from a good family, he needs to have the same values and beliefs as me, a desire to have children, should be romantic, shouldn't have a background of cheating....and the list goes on and on and on. 

But am I being too demanding?
Where do we draw the line?
Do we compromise on our new set standards?

I know I'm not alone out there. So if you're going through the same thing, and thinking to yourself how do I go on from here? Let me know. I'm listening!